What's so shocking about swinging anyway? Why should society be outraged by the idea of consenting adults having recreational sex, with the full knowledge, consent and often participation of their partner? Isn't this kind of open, frank relationship far preferable than the lying and deceit involved in affairs?

what can swinging offer you?
Swinging could be exciting, a turn on, and a chance to explore your sexuality and find out more about what turns you on. Having sexual experiences with different partners could give you – and your partner – more ideas about the range of sexual experiences that you could try, either in a swinging situation or in your own one-to-one relationship. It could give you a chance – more commonly for women – to explore sexual situations with someone of the same sex.

beyond jealousy
Talking openly and honestly with your partner about what turns you on allows for the possibility of sexual fulfilment. It is an achievement to get to this level of openness in a monogamous relationship, so being able to be confident enough with someone to explore sex with other people can demonstrate a level of trust and security in who you are and in the relationship. This could be liberating and deepen the closeness of your relationship, taking it to a new level.

do you have to be bisexual?
Many swingers enjoy a range of swinging experiences, which can include anything from watching another couple having sex, to swapping partners, to group sex with a number of people. These may or may not involve same-sex experiences. Where they do happen, these would be much more likely to be between women. Swinging affords many more opportunities for women to explore sex with other women, or for men to watch their female partners having sex with another woman than for men to explore their bisexuality.

so where's the catch?
Depending on your level of self esteem and trust in your partner, swinging could be fertile ground for jealousy and feeling threatened. If you are not secure in your partner's attraction to you, seeing them attracted to and turned on by another person could be devastating. Similarly, the opportunity to see lots of other people without clothes on and having sex may not be as much of a turn on if you are insecure about your own body or sexual technique and can't help but compare yourself unfavourably with others. Your self esteem would need to be able to cope with the constant possibility of rejection. Everyone has different tastes – could you cope with not fitting theirs?

swings and roundabouts
With all the potential positives of a swinging relationship, there are always the flip sides. Entering a swinging situation could decrease the level of intimacy between you and your partner, with each of you having some of your needs fulfilled outside the relationship, so possibly distancing you emotionally. The flip side of a relationship based on truth and openness might be that the very honesty you value is too painful and destructive to hear.

Other possible difficulties could occur where there is a real mismatch in who holds the power in the relationship, for example when swinging is what one partner wants and the other goes along with it to please them, or if one is more into it than the other and puts pressure on to continue the lifestyle.

taking it further – what do I need to consider?

what's in it for me?
Think about why you want to do it. Is it because you both want to, or is one partner in a relationship putting pressure on to try something that they want to do? Being in a swinging relationship requires openness, trust and confidence in the strength of the bond between you, so it is not a good idea to try it to spice up a dull sex life or to bring interest into a struggling relationship.

risky business
Practising safer sex is important to reduce the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Some people may choose to be tested regularly for STIs as an alternative, though as many STIs don't have any symptoms and viruses such as HIV can take up to three months to be detected in a test, this is not as safe an option (see help and info for more information about protecting yourself and your partners). A further reason to take precautions is to avoid unplanned pregnancy: how would you deal with finding out you were pregnant and not knowing which of several men could be the father? Another important issue to consider is personal safety, particularly if you are inviting strangers back to your home, or going back with strangers to their home.

no limits?
It's essential to negotiate boundaries with your partner about what you're both comfortable with and to review them regularly to make sure you're both still happy with the way things are going. If you are contemplating swinging, think in advance about things like:

• what would happen if one of you wanted to swing more than the other?
• are you prepared for 'separate swinging' where one of you goes out without the other, or do you only want to swing if it's both of you together?
• what are you comfortable with them doing in a swinging situation – for example, licking but no penetration – and how would you communicate with them if something's going in a direction you're uneasy with?
• what happens if one of you wants to see someone again?

These are key issues to resolve before they come up – when it's happened it'll be too late to work it out as emotions will be heightened, leaving one or both of you feeling threatened and insecure.

Another area where it's important to establish ground rules is if you are involving bondage, role play or S&M (sadomasochism), where it's crucial that you agree get-out words so that you can communicate when you've had enough, or if something's hurting you in a way you don't like.

coming out
You may also want to think about who you tell about your swinging lifestyle and how you tell them. Does your family need to know? How will your friends react? Will they worry that you are considering them as potential 'swinging' partners and jeopardise the friendship?

what next?
What happens when you've had enough of swinging? Or when you meet someone you want to be with who's just not into it and you stop to be with them? Once you've been in a swinging lifestyle, how easy would it be to adapt – once you've been seeing people as potential sexual partners, how do you train yourself out of that habit?

how do I find out more?
If you are thinking about taking it further, or are just curious about swinging and the whole lifestyle, there is a wealth of sites that you can explore. At the end of the day, the choice is yours!

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